The Art of Being Alone
Table for one, please?
This past weekend I was in DC for business, to help run an event that was supposed to take place on Saturday, 9/6 and Sunday 9/7. I arrived on Thursday, and for the next two days helped set up for the event and ensure that all logistics had been worked through prior to Saturday. However, as a result of hurricane Hanna, the event was consolidated into Sunday, giving me a full day to myself to explore DC. My one co-worker who was there with me was otherwise pre-occupied, and I realized, to my initial dismay, that I do not have any friends (I don’t think?) in DC.
It happens to all of us from time to time, whether we’re in a neighboring city, abroad, or even at home in Manhattan. We find ourselves alone at a point in time when we do not necessarily need or want to be alone. Sometimes it’s unexpected, or even unwelcome. But as single gals in the big city (and even those who are not single), it’s important that we learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. “Alone” is just a physical state of being and does not need to have a negative connotation, whereas “lonely” is a crippling state of mind. Fortunately, the good thing about a “state of mind” is that it doesn’t exist in the physical world. In other words, loneliness is all in our head.
There are, in fact, a lot of benefits to being by yourself every now and then, whether it’s the random conversation that you strike up in a museum with the cute guy beside you, the ability to dine and think only about the taste of your food, to go shopping on your own watch, or to enjoy the small, quiet moments in the day whose existence you had forgotten.
For example, I remember one weekend going solo to the MOMA. About 15 minutes into my visit, I found myself staring at a completely blue canvas that, in my humble opinion, wasn’t deserving of a space on the wall. Apparently, the good-looking gentleman next to me didn’t think so either, and we were soon in a deep conversation on non-art in prominent museums. Granted, he was from some far off place (Alaska, was it? Or do I just have politics on my mind…) and was leaving the next morning for another city, but hey, who says that the next single guy wasn’t just another exhibit away?
There was also the time in Siena, Italy when I took myself out to lunch in the center of the city, or “Piazza del Campo,” and decided to write for the afternoon. Perhaps it was the scenery around me, the Johnny Depp look-alike smoking cigarettes at the next table, or the fact that Italian food is just that good, but all of my senses were just so heightened, and I found myself observing tiny details that I would have otherwise taken for granted—like how the Italians steam their milk before they put it in their coffee, or how people take the time to eat their food as though it deserves their attention, or the incredibly thick hot chocolate that puts the brown liquid in America to shame. (Wait. Am I talking about being alone or why I love Italy? On a side note, I am going back to Italy at the end of the month—it will be the first time since my semester abroad!)
The truth is, the people with whom we associate bring out various qualities in ourselves, so that we may act more artsy-fartsy-tree-hugger with one friend and more conservative and even-keeled with another. But when you’re alone, it’s you for you. In many cases, you’re more open to new experiences and to befriending people you might otherwise overlook. When you’re by yourself, it’s up to you which qualities you want to shine that day/night, and what kinds of people you want to meet (if any at all).
And it’s not like you need to go so far as putting on your shortest dress and highest heels and positioning yourself in a bar to see which guys buy you a drink on Saturday night in DC (which was the advice of one of my friends, who said that it should be a “social experiment” that I discuss in this blog), but I am giving you permission to take yourself out to dinner one night—which I ended up doing Saturday night in Georgetown.
And as I sat eating my candied walnut and strawberry salad at La Madeleine, a charming French café and bakery, looking out at the people walking the streets that night, I felt a profound sense of peace at being by myself…
And being in such good company.
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4 comments:
I'm so happy to hear when other girls are not afraid to be alone! I know too many people who are even afraid to go shopping by themselves, take in a movie alone...and eat alone in a restaurant? forget it. Although for most it may not be ideal, it's important to learn this skill, and for some people it actually needs to be learned. In my very single life I have had to make a lot of choices as to whether I wanted an opportunity to pass me by or to be brave and go it alone. Most of the time, I forced myself and decided to go it alone, and I almost never regretted it. Last year I went to a foreign country completely solo (even after being repeatedly told what a silly idea that was), and wound up meeting great, fun people at the hostel where I stayed...if I had taken a friend, I would've had a completely and possibly less adventurous experience.
The other night I treated myself to a fancy meal at an expensive restaurant. I refused to bring a book, something I will never do when dining alone. I have to admit it was a bit outside my comfort zone. The staff treated me very well and I felt great afterwards. I think a couple of women there were actually envious of my bravery. I do have to admit though eating breakfast and lunch alone is a cinch.
I just have to disagree with you about loneliness being in your head. I think that loneliness has physical symptoms and that real pain and grief can accompany that feeling. You can have a great job and great friends and still be lonely because you don't have that person who adds that something special. Or you can have the greatest man and be lonely because you don't have an amazing group of women in your life. I think loneliness is something that can be rectified, but I don't believe it is a state of mind.
Love the rest of the entry though!
Interesting notions--thanks for your insight!
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