Taking A Bite Out Of The Big Apple

Welcome to The Garden of Ego

I dare you—yes, you—to walk up to that guy at the other end of the bar and see if you can get him to buy you a drink. The fact that you already have a beer in your hand is irrelevant. Let’s be honest, it’s not the drink that you’re after.

Then again, it may not be the guy either.

We move to New York City because we want it all—the high-paying job, spacious apartment, and, to complete the package, the trophy guy (who also happens to be compassionate, exciting, loyal and witty—not too much to ask). All of these factors somehow contribute to our happiness. The more that we are able to achieve here, the better we feel about ourselves. To put it bluntly—forget the Big Apple. This is the city of the Big Ego. Period.

But sometimes, the ego isn’t about what you have. Rather, it’s about what you could have—if you really wanted it. Think about it. Aren’t there those times when you flirt with someone not because you want a relationship or even a hook-up, but just because you want to see if that person will be receptive to you on a sexual level? In New York City, flirting is a favorite sport, and once we’ve realized that the (excuse the pun) ball is in our court, we may begin to lose interest in the guy. In our mind, whether or not anything happens may not matter. Just knowing that if we wanted to, we could hook up with that guy, is sometimes all that we need to validate ourselves and boost our ego. And in a city that attracts so many young people similar to ourselves, ego-boosting moments may be more prevalent than we realize.

Case in point: A few months ago I went out with two of my guy friends to a bar in the East Village. My one friend, who likes to espouse his theories on mating and the male-female dynamic, kept telling me that it’s not what a guy says that ropes a girl in, it’s how he says it. Challenging him to put his theories to good use, I dared him to walk across the bar to a group of five girls and actively engage them in conversation. At best, he would get a phone number, and at worst, they would roll their eyes at him in that typical, female “why-do-you-even-bother?" way (yes, I’m guilty of it too). Fortunately, he came out somewhere in between. But in retrospect, even if he had received a phone number, he probably wouldn’t have even called—his ego would have already won.

This behavior is by no means limited to single individuals. I’ve seen people in otherwise strong relationships flirt for “food” (ego-food, that is) many a time. I went out to a bar with a few friends one night, one of whom was dating someone. This friend of mine met a really good-looking guy while she was there and ended up talking to him for the better part of the evening. When we finally left the bar, she was bothered by the fact that he didn’t get her number. “But why?” I asked. “You have a boyfriend and you wouldn’t have even picked up the phone had this guy called.” Nevertheless, even as I was saying this to her, it was obvious that we were both thinking the same thing. The reality was that she didn’t want the guy at the bar. She never wanted him—just to know that he wanted her.

Of course, there are those times when we actually do want something more than a quick ego-boost and may unexpectedly find ourselves engaging with someone who is looking for just that. It’s always a sobering and somewhat disappointing realization when the seemingly steady guy on your “relationship radar” makes it clear that he was just in it for the thrill of the chase (and capture) and didn’t actually intend to follow through with anything. He was just flirting for sport (and as for me, I’ve never been a great athlete).

In the end, I’ve come to realize that the ego doesn’t feed off of any real substance. Instead, it seeks nourishment in the grand ideas of what you as a person “could be” and or “could achieve.” The ego dines on shortcuts, small victories; someone buying you a drink, complimenting your looks, praising your intellect, or even just smiling at you and making you feel noticed.

One might say that the ego feeds off of Manhattan.

Because here, it really doesn’t matter what you do…

Just that, in theory, you could do it.